so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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