I must be too annoying 4 u.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Oh god it's open bar.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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