Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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