You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
