Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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