I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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