Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
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Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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