every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize