Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
