Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
