Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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