My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
