Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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