i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
