We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
