I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
