Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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