You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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