if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
