ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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