Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
