Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
