Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
