Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
