yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
