even my farts smell like vagina
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
