I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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