If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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