He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
