first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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