Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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