I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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