I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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