she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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