I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
