why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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