saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
