Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
