i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
