Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
