i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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