I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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