so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
