who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
