dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
