Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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