So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize