I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
