Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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