If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
