you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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