Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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