I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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